We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Randomize
