things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
