Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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