If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
