my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
