Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize