i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
