So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
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