never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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