Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Randomize
