He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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