Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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