rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
