he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Randomize
