im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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