i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
