I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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