Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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