Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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