did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
