honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Randomize
