just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
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