Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
