just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
