I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
