Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
