a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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