o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize