Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Be still, my beating vagina.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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