So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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