Lets evaluate? U kissed one boss and lef twith another man. I cock teased the other, hardcore had a tongue jammed down my throat, made out w aa third then left in a cab w alex w them all yelling at me and offering rides. My cheek was also licked and bitten by 2 other men and we almost made out (u and me) because they asked. were hired.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Randomize
