I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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