so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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