The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
