you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
