Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
