we have officially lost it.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize