two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
