Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
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