I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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