I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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