dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
