it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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