i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
