he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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