I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
