It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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