dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
