I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
