She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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