Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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