My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize