Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
