Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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