This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
