Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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