I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize