Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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