I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
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