david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
