May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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