The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize