I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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