You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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