I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
