I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
