I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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