My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Randomize
