I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I can tuck mytits in my pants
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
