I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
